I will never forget an air plane ride for as long as I live. I was in my late twenties and travelling back from India with my three children, all under seven years old. Just as our plane was flying between England and Canada, the plane suddenly jolted and the lights for fastening the seat belt came on. The turbulence lasted until we landed at the Kennedy airport. With the first jolt, my heart sank in the pit of my stomach and yet I had to stay calm for the kids’ sake. However, my mind was racing with all kinds of crazy scenarios like, if the plane went down in water, how would I manage with three kids to follow the safety instruction, I don’t know how to swim, if I die, who will take the kids and get them home …and so on. “Are we going to die mommy?” asked my oldest. “I don’t think so, just keep your head down and ask God to help the pilot and us,” I said, even as I was having images flashing in my mind about water rescue that I had seen in movies and on television.
I looked at the air hostesses and concierges, who all seem to be calm and composed, going about checking and instructing the passengers quickly as they headed to their seats. That was comforting a bit and made me think, what is it they know about this situation? So I asked, the hostess, “This is abnormal, isn’t it”? “Yes, but we know how to handle it and these planes are built to withstand it, so don’t worry,” she said as she rushed to her seat.
I am bringing up this story, to highlight the fact that when unexpected things happen, we are rattled to our core. Those, with life experiences under their belt, handle it a bit more gracefully and those who have never experienced a sudden turn of events, go into panic mode.
Turbulence, as I experienced then and came to understand later, is caused by sudden drops and rises in the air pressure and the resulting ups and downs in the air waves. Pilots are trained to assess the situation and ride up or down with skillful swift judgment to navigate through it.
We all experience turbulence at one time or other in our lives when we least expect it, like the stock market crash, a layoff, sudden death of people who were the rocks that supported your life and dreams, business failure, personal defeat and so on. The first impact of these type of experiences is trauma followed by anxiety and if there is no quick resolution, then panic. These are all very natural reactions, but if we do not know how to navigate through, we can readily sink. So, it is important to understand how to navigate successfully to survive the traumatic events.
Here’s How To Cope
I personally have faced many events that shook me to my core; loss of my first born to a terminal disease, loss of my job due to downturn in economy, changes in management at the top that wanted to change the culture, entrepreneurial failure, betrayal by friends who were very close and being fired from my dream job, caused by a political savvy colleague who was threatened by my hiring and sabotaged me. Each episode came with its own set of challenges, trauma and pain but I came through it all and survived. They all led me to an understanding of how to deal with upheavals. I have gained useful insights. So here is what I learnt about navigating such situations:
- Take control of the situation – Face the turbulence of the moment and get over it. Realize that asking, “Why me?” will lead you down the spiral path of depression because, there never is a clear answer. In fact, after the self-pity fest, flip the question, “Why not me?” That will lead you to understand that no matter what your ego tells you, what happened to you, has happened to many a people, and will happen to others, you are no exception to the rule. It is a numbers game, and you just happened to be in a place where odds were against you. This leads to accepting that the traumatic event has happened, and you need to take control of the situation. No one else can do it for you.
- Cultivate equanimity – Acknowledge the whole gamut of feelings and allow them to surface and glide over you. Denying the hurt, the stress, the anxiety and the fear only makes you dwell on them, which only prolongs the hurt and paralyzes emotionally. It leads to foggy thinking precisely when you need to have utmost clarity to survive and get onto other side to normalcy.Notice, I used the term glide, which means not stewing or resisting and most certainly not turning the thought over and over again in mind. After giving yourself some time to sort out the events, allow downtime and disengage from mulling over the problem. Allow your mind to wander while engaging yourself in unrelated relaxing activities. I know of someone, who told me that after losing his job, he played the card game of solitaire for hours on end for a few days. While his hands were busy shuffling the card and moving cards in a rote manner, his relaxed brain was trying to figure out what would be the best way to secure another position, who would have a need for someone like him. And in a flash, it brought back the memory of a meeting that had occurred with a company that was looking for technology solution where his experience would be a total fit! The relaxed mind thus begins to get into a creative mode towards resolution.
- Capture the creative insights – Insights that surface during the relaxation are like flashes; here one minute, gone in the next. If you do not take a conscious mental note and capture it on paper or on your to-do list or record it, it would disappear in a flash.
- Engage in positive self-talk – When turbulent event cause trauma, it is very easy to get into negative self-talk like, “I can’t”, “They won’t”, “Nobody gives a whit”, “I am marked”, “Everyone is for himself, nobody cares” etc. Negative self-talk leads to non-action and almost becomes a blue-print for the road to existential hell.
- Assess the situation by making an assumption – Assume that there is a way out. The initial reaction is almost always an emotional shortcut called jumping to conclusion; frequently erroneous. Taking a deep breath and consciously asking why the event occurred or is occurring is very helpful. This leads to more rational assessment. If you have never experienced something before, think about analogous situation. In my story of the bumpy plane ride, instead of assuming that something was wrong with the plane itself, such an exercise would have allowed me to realize that the bumps were like ups and downs in the road or like potholes during the car rides and perhaps would have helped in controlling my panic during the ride.Despite my fear, if I had given some thought, even after panicking, I would have realized that of the hundreds of flights take place on a daily basis even in rain, snow or sleet and yet, most flights land safely. It would have allowed me to think that with the multi–million dollars investment in a plane at stake and the responsibility for multiple lives including their own; chances are that pilots and co-pilots would do all that they can to land safely.
- Depersonalize and look at the situation holistically – Many people who experience the first lay off from a job, often think of it in terms of personal failure and worry about their future career and what other employers or recruiters may think. If it happens to you, ask several questions before becoming convinced that it was your fault that led to your layoff. Even the sinkhole in your career that you felt at personal level, could be the result of a loss of a large account, an acquisition or merger situation that resulted in consolidating staff. It could be an unprofitable trend for the company as a whole, or an implementation a new technology that requires a different skill set. Even in case of firing, it may have to do with change of organizational culture or a mismatch between your philosophy and the company’s way of thinking.When you depersonalize, you allow yourself to evaluate the situation more realistically and remove foggy thinking. The more clarity you have, the better the resolution and action to remedy the situation.
- Mind map potential exits – from the current demoralizing situation by thinking about how to turn the situation around in your favor and what it would require in terms of resources and effort. Whatever the alternative for moving on is, the first step is to think in terms of the impact in short term, mid-term and over the long haul. Then in terms of resources, how much money and effort would be required to meet the new challenge and when and how you will initiating action and take concrete steps. Following up with action emerging from the mind map is a must. A colleague of mine was fond of saying, “Nothing happens until rubber meets the road.”Leverage to strengthen your position and chances for success – Many people who pride themselves in self-reliance hesitate to take help, which may have worked well for them in normal circumstances, but when the times are turbulent, nothing is normal. If there is a time, not to shrink socially and lick your wounds it is now. Seek friends’ help, search for mentors and expand network through personal referrals. Invest in whatever it takes to regain balance back. Life is a long journey, inaction is not an option, succumbing is not the right choice. Make luck happen. To quote Seneca, the Roman Philosopher, “Luck happens when preparedness meets opportunity.”