I was lounging on my deck overlooking my backyard, with my grandchild, a toddler, playing next to me. I saw her get up and do what looked like dancing a shuffle. She stood in a spot, observed her shadow, then moved back, and the shadow moved with her! Then she moved right and then left, again and again, totally fascinated by the shadow. She was totally enchanted by the shadow! This was her first clue that there is some connection between herself and the floor’s gray shape. It was the day she discovered “self.”  However, it took a few more months before “I” and “Mine” showed up in her vocabulary, and she fully understood the concept of self and its identity! 

When the words, I and mine come into the play, self as distinctly separate from others becomes part of cognition. Over the next few years, this sense of “self” begins to develop along with the expression of likes and dislikes and pleasure or displeasure about life-experiences that essentially shape the personality. Over time, a person starts to add colors and contours to the personality with own experiences with joy, sadness, happiness, boredom, love, hatred, anger or serenity, hopes, disappointments, etc. As a person matures and becomes self-aware, the core beliefs and values become the self-identity. But self-identity is not static as we are prone to think. It is continually being bombarded by religions, dogmas, preachers of all stripes, and politics, with labels and qualifiers that define relationships and roles. Our sense of self adapts and reemerges as life changes. 

Labels as Identity

With every change representing a different age and stage in life, there are associated social labels, such as daughter, son, single, married, divorced or widowed, father, mother, mother-in-law, father-in-law, stepmother, stepfather, grandmother, grandfather; each with its own set of expectations, obligations, and responsibilities and accountabilities. These labels given by society establish your relevance and the purpose of your life.

Your life has an intrinsic value to you. Still, your value in society becomes relevant only in terms of your label.  Your identity shifts along with your status as you move through life. These shifts require a huge re-definitions in your self-identity and adjustments. Just imagine when daddy’s princess grows up and gets married. To move the self-identity from a Miss to Mrs. requires sacrificing one’s old self-identity. It literally obliterates your old identity because the world now expects you to change your last name along with changing who comprises your family. You no longer bear the parents’ identity or lineage you came from; you adopt a whole new identity.

Even in modern times, when many women prefer to retain their maiden last name, keeping your old self-identity still presents big problems when dealing with banks for joint finances or credit, or settle accounts in case of divorce or a spouse’s death. Women are not the only ones who have to change identities and expectations. A man becoming a husband or father also locks himself into financial, legal, and social obligations for everyone in the family. 

And heaven help the most reviled and dreaded identity in all cultures, known as the Mother-in-law! As a mother, your social relevance is predetermined by society; bringing children into the world, nurturing them, and loving them unconditionally. You dedicate every living moment in the prime of your life to raising dear children and their welfare for eighteen to twenty years. Still, when your son or daughter gets married, once again, your new label wreaks havoc on your old identity. Can you imagine adjusting to the new identity that demands that you stay out of your son’s or daughter’s life altogether, sever the old relationship for all practical purposes? You are expected to divorce yourself from your purpose-being a parent, caretaker, well-wisher, and rejoice in “giving your daughter away.” It is beside the point that you also give your son away. Still, there is no formal recognition in any wedding ceremony. The world expects you to act sensibly, adapt to the new reality overnight and move on! 

Your Identities, Purpose, and Relevance are in Constant Flux

 I am making the point that with each identity, there is a purpose and relevance- your ‘raison d’etre.’ Every time you move into the next level age-wise, that purpose is taken away and replaced with a new label and associated social expectations. It is a continual process. Once again, your self-identity needs re-jiggering, and with it the meaning and your relevance. No one gives a whit about emotions. Human “beings” are expected to adapt to these significant changes with maturity and grace! But the heart knows otherwise! It knows disappointment and dejection and confusion, a sense of loss of identity, and some feeling akin to estrangement. 

It not only happens in the social world but in the business and professional world as well! The business titles are descriptive of the purpose of your employment, your professional identity, and your relevance or importance to the business. However, in the ever-changing rapid-fire adjustments to the business conditions, your purpose and relevance are tenuous. It can be taken away from you at any moment. One day you are moving about with an invisible halo with the titles like CEO, CFO, COO, which tells the world about your power and importance. Still, the day you fired or retired, you may as well slip into oblivion. You are no longer relevant to the business.

But here is the Dilemma. We are tied to the idea of relevance. Our life has to mean something to ourselves and to others. We need to have a purpose and feel that we matter and that our life has value! Without relevance, our life feels without value to society. Is it any wonder that people are searching for purpose? It provides an anchor to self-identity. 

Behind all this searching there is the very human need to belong, not to be isolated or be forgotten. How do we deal with that sense of vacuum?

Rethink: Differentiate between Roles and the Real You

Realize that self-identity is not static, so do not get invested in any one identity. Whether in life or in business, each identity serves its purpose for a while only, and for a specific stage. Eventually, it has to yield to changes around you. If you get too attached to any identity, it becomes difficult to let go of the self-image that is no longer in sync with your life-stage.  So cherish the moments while they last, and move on. No regrets!

Think of all the social labels as temporary; they are the roles you play. Your true identity is the one that you define, independent of any institutional brainwashing or indoctrination. Introspect to dig out the authentic you, your core values, and recast the self-image that pleases you the most. After all, it is your life! Reclaim it with the identity you create, not by the ones assigned by society, institutions, or establishments! Reinvent your ‘self’ by paying attention to your deep desires, your Soul’s calling. Dust off your dreams and aspirations for a new stage in your life, whether you are getting over a relationship, a changed circumstance, or retirement. Once you do it, look for and find new purpose and relevance, in a whole new different reality, free from delusions or illusions! Rethink, reinvest, reinvent the authentic new you!  Go for it!