Emotional Intelligence

In our work-a-day lives we interact with two types of people, people with passion and people without passion. Not having passion does not necessarily mean being apathetic. It just means that the degree to which the others feel attached to something is different than yours. Their passion may lie somewhere else. They may have a different agenda, and a goal that may not align with your self-interest but with their own interest. Given that company resources are usually limited and there are fewer positions at the management and executive level, competition ensues and that is the beginning of office politics. Like it or not, it is your reality!

You may have peers, subordinates or managers who may not pay the attention that you wish to command. However, it is hard to separate them in our daily overt interaction until something extraordinary happens that makes you aware of their engagement with you or lack of it. You become keenly conscious of your own emotional response to their feedback. If the response of the other person echoes your own sentiment, there is a sense of affirmation but if the reaction is over enthusiastic, passionate and ready to seize charge away from you, it may overwhelm you. Conversely, if your idea or proposal gets lukewarm reception or outright rejection you could be deeply disappointed, bullied, angry or sad. In either case, you could feel a bit rattled and disoriented! You may feel puzzled, jarred and even scared depending on your power position and the intensity of others’ reactions. In effect, they have disturbed your emotional equilibrium.

Welcome to the world of office politics, usually subtle, covert and behind your back! It is easy to get blindsided or become a victim of sandbagging! For example, a manager who is not willing to give you the time of the day or teammates who do not meet the timelines or are critical and uncooperative, have a different political agenda.

The potential for being rattled is ever present at all levels but the higher you go, the greater the possibility that office politics is ever present and you have no choice but to play the game! Sooner or later, we all experience the heat of the office politics. You could do an outstanding job, only to have the credit handed over to someone else. You could do something inconsequential from your vantage point but your colleague sees it as a threat is ready to wage a war! These incidents happen to anyone working in the large corporate environment, where power struggle and competition for the next plum project or promotion is rife.

The seasoned and experienced employees are able to handle the situation somewhat better than the less experience though not always. The fresh entrants to the working world have a harder time discerning the clues due to lack of experience and naiveté about multigenerational, multiracial diverse workplace in a competitive environment.

On my first job after the graduation, I was hired on the first rung of management. Since there was a shortage of gasoline in those days, the company emphasized carpooling, so I was matched with a woman, a senior manager in another department and lived in an area nearby. I anticipated that with an hour of commute, we could have some good conversations and get to know each other. So when she came to pick me up, I would offer an enthusiastic, “Good Morning!” but would get no response. It struck me as strange but I thought she was one of those people, who could not socialize till they have had their first cup of coffee. I got used to the silent rides and our commute as a transactional relationship; we shared the cost of gas and we took turns giving rides to office and back. Then one day, I heard a voice! She asked me, “Do you guys have to pay income taxes?” I was again struck by the strangeness of question but I responded in affirmative. It took me years to realize the real intent behind the question;namely, was I a legal citizen of the United States? My naiveté actually saved me from feeling bullied! (Perhaps the saying ‘Ignorance is bliss’ was developed by observing the proverbial babes in the woods, which I was at that time).

Would I handle differently if I was asked a question a few years later?

Absolutely! I would not take it personally and direct her to read the corporate operations manual, while quietly documenting the date and time and the gist of incident, should I ever need to use it in future.

Over a period of time I learned some techniques to protect me from being rattled. They helped me in managing the situation with grace and equanimity. I am sharing with hope that if you ever encounter a jarring event at work, you may find some of these helpful.

Honing the Survival Skills

Read the intent: Behind every action, no matter how seemingly innocuous, there always is an intent, whether it is in the work-a-day world or in social setting. In the known circle, it is somewhat easier to read the intent because of an established pattern of behavior that you can recognize, but in unfamiliar circles where you have only marginal understanding, it may be hard to detect unless explicitly expressed. Most common intent is to get information and give information but in some situations there may be a hidden agenda.

Overt behavior is not always aligned with the true intention. Sometimes appalling behavior, like a rant may simply be an effort to draw attention to something you may not be consciously aware of but need to be made aware about how it is affecting your relationship or team. The intent may be good because there is an interest in continuing the relationship and set it on the correct course rather than terminating it.

At other times, a behavior that puts you completely at ease and comfort may be to elicit information that can help others to form a judgment. Anyone who sat through a job interview can relate to being asked an open ended, “Tell me something about yourself”. The novices can sometime fall in this trap and inadvertently tip the hand against themselves, whereas, the savvy ones will tailor the response based on their perception of the intent and give only the most relevant information to solidify their candidacy.

Respond rather than react: A cardinal rule is never to react but respond, especially where the outcome has serious consequences. A reaction is emotional and impulsive because the part of brain that processes reaction is reptilian. Whereas, a response, is a well-reasoned strategy to the stimulus. The part of the brain that responds is the frontal cortex, which is the rational, analytical, decision making part that inhibits impulse. “I will have to think through on this” or “I will get back to you,” is a perfect foil to avoid reacting.
Where there is an urgency to respond, take a deep breath or maintain a long pause before responding to mitigate the situation from being impulsive, angry or explosive. According to the neuroscience research that I have come across, taking the deep breath oxygenates the brain, which in turn releases bio-chemicals that calm the raw nerves and cells, which allow you to manage the situation with grace and professionalism.

Resolve communication issues: Before actually responding to any situation ask if you understand it correctly. “Did I understand correctly that….” often offers a chance to clear up misunderstanding or miscommunication upfront.

Never Assume –Validate: One of the biggest pitfall in any relationship is the gap between the intent of the message-sender and the understanding of the message-receiver. The intent can be misunderstood or even missed altogether by the receiver, if the processing of information is slightly skewed. It is rare, when the communicator and the receiver of the message are on exact same wavelength. Why? Because the processing of a message depends on lot of external factors, which form the frame of reference, for example, the culture and subculture, memories based on experiences, subconscious biases and wrong timing. An assumption is like an estimate; an approximation and might not have all the necessary facts and as such, the actions taken on pure assumption may not sync with the intention of the purveyor of the message, whether it is a colleague, manager or senior leader.

Validate by playing back your take away from the encounter with a memo of understanding on the front end. This enables filling the gap and close the loop to closely align your understanding of project or situation. It is a bit like the expression “Roger” that pilots often use when communicating with air traffic controllers, which establishes that the communication has been clearly established between both the parties. This is the most important step in avoiding misunderstanding, future conflicts and headaches.

Leave a Communication Trail: An office environment is rife for conflict and covert or overt politics and there are no formal binding rules about fair or unfair competition. So, the best protection is to make a note, ideally in the form of an email to yourself or in your personal voice recorder on your smart phone about the date and time and the gist of the situation along with who all were present. However, chances are that such encounters are just between two people and there is no witness. Once, I was threatened by one such co-worker and at the end of the session she said, “…and if you tell this to someone and they ask me, I will flatly deny it.”! Such situations are a catch 22 variety, if you tell anyone, you expose your vulnerability, and if you do not, you wonder what other falsehood this person would spread in the rumor mill to damage your reputation.

Noting down the details with time and date stamp in your device, whether an email or voice recorder, would be a good evidence, if the situation ever gets out of hand and the Human Resource has to get involved.

Make a business case, do not complain: In situations where there are serious differences of opinions, it is best not to state them in personal terms. A slogan that one hears in business is, “If you are not the part of a solution, you are a part of the problem.” This is a clear reminder that office exists to move the agenda of the company ahead toward profitability. Your personal issues with your peers or managers are not on the agenda unless they impact the business. So, to be heard, state it in the business language showing how issue X, Y, or Z affect the business. For example, a constant tardiness can be expressed in terms of impact on productivity or team morale etc. A performance issue, such as not meeting the project deadlines can be addressed in terms of time management training for procrastinators. In your proposal, in addition to impact of the behavior also include suggestions, which indicate that you are not just a negative person but a proactive person. You must follow the protocol. The case of James Damore, is well known and a good example. He was an engineer at Google, who circulated a memo criticizing Google’s Diversity program on an internal message board to employees and was fired because his memo was judged as sexist and against the Google’s policy of gender equality in hiring. His grievance would have been resolved with a better outcome for him, had he followed the proper protocol and channels.

Walk away: One of the most important aspect of working life is to have an employment that allows you to feel comfortable in your own skin and authentic. If the environment is too toxic and no one seems to care as long as they make the numbers on the financial spreadsheet it is time to walk away with your dignity intact. Quitting under such circumstance is not a cowardly act but an act of courage and self-respect. You are a principled professional not a pretzel. Set the boundary that you will not allow anyone, including yourself, to violate.

If you walk away or are terminated, beware of the terms and condition of the non-compete clause and the severance package. Most of these are skewed in favor of the employer but you do not want to find yourself in a situation where you either have to move out of your area or switch industries to fulfill the requirements. Broadly speaking, different states have different legal standards for enforcement but in general, States frown upon limiting a person’s ability to find another suitable employment. Since this is an area that is best dealt by lawyers, I am providing the URL for two excellent articles on the subject. Also, if you go on the NOLO’s website, you may be able to chat with someone about your specific question.

https://www.nachtlaw.com/Articles/Before-you-sign-The-skinny-on-non-competes-and-severance-packages.shtml
https://www.hrexaminer.com/is-your-non-compete-agreement-enforceable/