Over a cup of virtual coffee, my friend and I were discussing the art of communication, and she asked: 

Friend:  “Why do I feel that if I take a stand about something during in-person discussions or over social media that I have to defend it?  I get stubborn and defensive about it.” 

Me:  “Well, what happens when you do that?”

F:  “They don’t really listen to me, yet tell me that I am wrong, or they go quiet. Why can’t they argue their point, as I do? The quieter they get, the more I want to prove that I am right?

Me: Why?

F: “That’s what I am asking you?”

Me: “Have you asked them why do they go silent?”

F: “One friend told me that the way I answer makes them feel like I am shutting them up. But I am not! I want them to challenge me, argue with me so that I can prove my point!”

Me: And how did hearing that made you feel?

F: Annoyed. Like they don’t want to listen to what I have to say.”

Me: “Could they also be feeling the same about you?”

F: (After a momentary silence, as if considering the question), “Perhaps.”

It is an actual conversation, and we continued the dialog

THE SILENT TREATMENT

When you are too set in your point of view, essentially, you are telling them, “I am right, and you are wrong.” So, you win; they lose. And among people of equal intelligence and social status, no one wants to be thought of as a loser. But they value the relationships going back many years. So, keeping quiet is a graceful way of avoiding a conflict that’s not worth risking the relationship. It could happen even in the workplace among peers or in a teamwork environment, primarily where some covert competition exists.

A passionate delivery of your perspective carries a subtext that your friends may interpret as if whatever they are saying is less important or trivial to you.  They may also perceive you as not having an open mind, so any further conversation on the subject would waste energy and time.

It could also be that they are not that much into the subject, really do not find it engaging enough, and don’t really have much to offer. Some people avoid controversial topics because, inevitably, it leads to arguments and potential conflicts.

WHY DO WE COMMUNICATE THE WAY WE DO?

So the next issue puzzling my friend was, “Why do I feel a need to prove something to them?”

The need to prove something arises from many reasons, such as a need to be thought of as an intelligent person by this group because you think of them as important or well connected, and perhaps because your contacts are frequent. It matters to you that they respect you as a peer. It may be a need to draw attention, sort of “Hey, look at me now! I may have been an average student then, but look how I grew up smart and with it!” 

It could also arise from some bullying experiences growing up, where adults discounted your voice for reasons like your gender, culture of misogyny, social pecking order, or any other reason like your being different in appearance or habits. But society, parents, and others expected you to tolerate it; a tacit, “Grin and bear it” message, if you want to be included in the group. And now that you are an adult in your own right, you no longer wish to suppress your thoughts or voice. In fact, you may have picked up a political or social cause or advocacy that says, “Listen up, I am using my strong voice to bring justice to XYZ’s cause, and here is why I need you to hear me and support my cause.” Sometimes, a memory of trauma, when you felt a need for protection, and you thought no one was standing up for you, triggers a need to assert. Now you are proving that you matter, your life matters, and your purpose is important! The subtext is, “I am important! I matter! I am relevant!” So, it is the Ego that is motivating you to claim your rightful place. 

There is nothing wrong with having Ego unless it becomes a Narcissistic obsession to merit the “egotist” label applied to you. Ego, in small measures, is the motivator for taking action and making things happen, so it is necessary to pay heed to whatever it is nudging you to focus on.

IT’S OKAY TO DISAGREE

There was a long pause, and then my friend said:

F- “Okay, so how do I keep my relationships on a better footing? What would be helpful?” 

Me- “Remove the blind spot,” I said.

F- “What blind spot?”

Me-“Thinking that everyone thinks like you, or should agree with your thinking.”

They do not, and cannot because they experienced life differently; they grew up differently.  Their worldview may be unique to them, just like yours is to you. So accept them the way they are warts and all, and stop comparing their way of thinking against yours.”

When individuals begin to reject other people’s thinking, mode of behavior, political or social, they indulge in  ”Doesn’t everybody…..” type of thinking, which is stereotyping and judgmental. That creates distance and erodes trust. Instead, accept that everybody is unique in their own ways and exclude those who have a toxic relationship with you. Drop the toxic people from your list, and be comfortable in your skin. Once you do that, there is no need to prove yourself to anyone for anything. Comfort and congeniality are magnets for friendship. You don’t have to suppress your opinions, but you don’t have to insist that they agree with you.

I knew a co-worker who had a funny way of averting a showdown. His usual comment in such a situation was, “Okay, let’s agree to disagree, because if I agree with you, I know one of us would be wrong!”

WHAT MATTERS MOST? HAVING THE LAST WORD OR A LASTING RELATIONSHIP?

If you genuinely want to change someone’s mind, learn the art of persuasion and the subtle selling of ideas.  Coaxing by tapping into someone’s primed mind is likely to get better reception. Most of us do not think of our everyday conversation as “selling.”  Still, any dialog that has some transaction is the selling of ideas. Every day, we try to persuade our friends, parents, teachers, bosses, colleagues, and teammates to do something; essentially, we are selling an idea or motivating them to do something that ideally benefits both parties.

Successful salespeople never “sell” before they have primed the buyer by understanding the customer’s mindset. Then and then only do they come up with the pitch. And usually, it nets them a sale because the buyer can visualize why buying would be beneficial. Selling an idea is no different. If you can discern the pain points and articulate well, you can usually get a buy-in.

If you sincerely want to change minds, change cultures, or organizations, you must study how consultative sales occur. Before you sell the solution, audit what causes the most anxiety or pain, really understand the pressure points, and what would be a deal-breaker, i.e., non-negotiable barrier. Then only offer the pitch that leads to opening minds to become receptive and leads to successful selling, whether it is a widget or a solution or an idea.

Happy Influencing!